I traced down the feeling of getting lost and becoming less interested and passionate about things I used to be driven by, to the time I met my partner, Konstantin. At first, a thought came, that it is because the love we generated from our sudden closeness had consumed my energy resources and attention so much, that there was little of it left for anything else. I am certain that it is partially true, we had been nesting together for a long time before we felt the pull towards entering the public eye again. But now, a few years later, I blamed this feeling of stagnation on myself, and the simple explanation that I lost the spark because I slowed down too much, that it is harder for me to get back to form, just like when exercising gets harder and harder the more you push it to another day. Again, I am sure it is also partially true, but one does not simply lose interest in things that they pursued for a long time because they fell in love and took some time off from actively working on generating new ideas and hands-on work.
Today, while reading a passage from a book by Maya Blackwell about permaculture, it struck me that I am simply in a long and deep process of cleansing and healing from patterns and habits that used to automatically override my actions and impulses. Konstantin has been my first partner with whom I felt loved completely, with whom I have cultivated open communication from the start, not restraining myself from the most intimate thoughts and feelings about the world. I am eternally grateful to have a teacher like him in my life. There were no big dramas, and if they occurred, it was only because I was reverting to what I had learned in my previous relationships with men - fear, jealousy, need for attention, these demons never realistically had rightful reasons to occur, they were all coming from the stories I carried within myself from past experiences.
I remember when we moved out from our completely remote meeting point in Portugal, where we lived during the COVID pandemic in 2020 with a few other humans, surrounded by nothing else but trees and clouds. I remember the feeling of entering a group of people after moving back to Iceland, and this realization that I don't look at them nor at myself in the same way anymore. The need to present myself as somebody or say something smart and funny at the same time, was (almost completely) gone. Huh, I thought, is it that easy, that I have satisfied my hunger for being loved and accepted with the beautiful attention this man showers me with every day now? I don't have to be the best, smartest, sexiest in the room anymore? Again, I believe that too is partially true, but I am onto something much deeper here.
Having Konstantin in my life has been a healing and turning point in my life, simply having a relationship with somebody which is so healthy and pure, poured over other areas of my being, not only social, but deeply personal, bodily and intellectual. The things that interested me mainly in theory, such as interspecies communication and the lives of non-humans, started to be much more interesting in practice. Going out on a walk with no destination became more interesting than researching a complex subject in a book or on my computer. Sharing openly my feelings, thoughts, discomforts, and pleasures with another human being was more nutritious than thousands of people looking at me with admiration from a distance or a screen of my phone.
And so, from this point of view, of a person who had been trapped in all those unfulfilled needs, searching for them in wrong places, I have FINALLY arrived at the point of feeling excited about being lost and seemingly losing purpose, because the dreams I had for a very long time do not fit my current reality. I can feel my spark coming back from somewhere very deep in my belly, but this time it feels different. I am excited to mindfully continue walking in this dark place towards a crack that just opened, a few minutes ago, when I sat on a bench in front of The Botanical Room in Kreuzberg, Berlin, reading a beautiful book. I know it is yet too bright for me to see what's on the other side, but I imagine it to be a garden full of living sculptures, studies of plants and other organisms and most importantly, getting to know them by their name.
I now see why Ficus entered our lives at this specific time and place, he is a walking representation of the biggest step I took on my processes of transformation and depression, when I decided to throw my fear of being responsible and committed for a living being away, and decided to have a best friend and a walking compass that brings me down to earth, to my body, for when I am drifting too far away into what was or that what should be. Slowing down when falling in love with Konstantin, learning to be more in touch with my body and the world around me, was and remains to be a completely chaotic and sometimes very scary place to be in, but this time I do not feel the angst anymore, I feel hope.
x ma
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